im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
