My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
