You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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