i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize