this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
