yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
