first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
