You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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