he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
