When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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