I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
