Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Please don't give away my fajitas
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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