My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
