Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize