i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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