you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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