Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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