next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
