WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
