The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
