Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
