Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
