textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
