I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
