if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
