my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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