I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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