i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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