You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
