I'm eating all of the evidence.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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