I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
