Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
