I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The power of my boobs compel you
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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