ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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