she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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