I met the friendliest cop last night
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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