I'm eating all of the evidence.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
