there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
