I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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