hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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