I puked a lego.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize