Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
