I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
