he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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