Even the bartender felt bad for me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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