i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
