yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize