Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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