Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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