he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
