You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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