im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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