peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
