I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
