Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
its not stalking. its research.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
