Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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