told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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