Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
