Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just made my gag reflex go away.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize