so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
