it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
