Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
