He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
