Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
