Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
