Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
