Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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